As most of you know by now, I live for my football Sundays. I try not to leave the house after 12pm and I try not to be bothered. Well that did not quite happen yesterday.
My mailbox is out by the street so I had walked out to get Saturday's mail. I was headed back up the driveway when this woman I had seen walking down the street yells out to me. I stop to see what she wants. She says she is cleaning carpets in the neighborhood and could she clean mine because she needs a referral. Ok, now in my mind I am thinking she has a carpet cleaning business and needs like word of mouth stuff for more business. I tell her no. She said it is free. I kindly tell her that today is Sunday, the best day of the week, the day no one bothers me and I bother no one. A day for football. Not for carpet cleaning. I tell her it makes too much noise. She asks could she please just do a small area like my hallway. I am such a wimp. I say yes. Please note the time... 11:25am.
She pulls a cell phone out of her bra, yes...out of her bra. Calls someone and a large white van comes racing around the corner. Two men get out and they all come in my house. I show them the hallway, they go back out and walk back into my house with a Kirby vacuum. Girl has disappeared. Man introduces me to Alex who will be demonstrating a Kirby today and leaves. He has me get out my vacuum and clean the area first. What exactly has happened here??? I did not want to clean my house today! Ahhhhhhhh I am so stupid! He runs his machine over where I had just sucked up some dirt and shows me this filter that hardly has any dirt on it at all. "See all this??? Your vacuum does not work!" Hmmmmmm. I had no idea I was so filthy. Then he decides he should do my dining room. Please note the time is now NOON. I am beginning to have a panic attack. He runs the vacuum over the dining room floor getting again, hardly any dirt. He tells me that the Kirby has 88 uses or something like that...it can even be used to paint a room. Well isn't that just great??? He asks me would I be able to swing $90/month for this $2000 vacuum. I said, "Hell no! Are you kidding me? A vacuum for $2000????" He said he liked me and would give it to me for $1500. Now we are getting somewhere. NOT! I tell him as kindly as possible. "Sir, if I had $1500 in credit to buy anything in the world, I would buy a laptop computer so I could blog wherever I go, not for something that makes me spend more time CLEANING MY HOUSE!" He knocks it down to $1000 and says he will make my monthly payments only $30/month. Again, I say no. He then shampoos my dining room. It seriously looked no better. Please note the time is now 1:00pm!
A friend shows up to do her laundry at my house. Walks in and says loudly, "What's this?" I explain he is with Kirby and doing a demonstration. She looks at me and says loud enough for him to hear, "If you buy one you are seriously a dumbass." With that she marches right into my bedroom and shuts the door. Please, someone help me get this man out of my house! He asks to borrow MY cell phone for the 4th time now. Comes back in and asks would I buy the machine. I again say NO. He tells me how disappointed he is because he won't get his trip to Mexico now. Like I give a shit at this point! He is lucky I did not get out a knife and stab him! I have seriously missed some major football time by now. He informs me that he has to take it all apart and pack it back up. I say, "Fine" and head back to the living room where I stand watching football. Please note the time is now 1:30pm.
He wanders into the living room and tells me he has it all packed up but will need to go over a survey with me. Oh my GOD! I sit there and answer all the questions including, "We would just need $199 down to leave this wonderful machine in your home. If you cannot afford $199, tell me how much you could pay us today." I looked at him and said, "How about $2 and a few Coke bottle caps?" I think he could then sense I was about to lose my patience. He then offers me the machine for $500! I again say NO. He quickly used my cell phone AGAIN and called the rescue team to come pick him up. I escort him to the door, thank him for cleaning my carpet and say goodbye. The time is now 2:05pm. I collapse into my recliner. Lesson learned: Never ever ever set foot outside my house on a Sunday no matter what!