I have signed up for a couple of writing classes and thought that I would share a few of the things I have written in the class on here from time to time. Not sure they will always have something to do with sports but I hope you find them interesting and please leave feedback...good and bad.
The assignment this week was to write a dialogue with an inanimate object. I chose my big screen tv.
A Dialogue With My Big Screen
Me: I think you are the biggest tv I have ever seen. I fell in love with you at first sight. But that was in 2004 and they have come out with much smaller versions…easier to handle. You are the size of a small automobile and I should probably let you go and get a smaller tv.
Tv: Oprah says big is beautiful.
Me: I told you to stop watching Oprah. Oprah is the devil. You shouldn’t listen to what she says. She has already brainwashed half of America. Anyways, I know we have been through so much together…we watched the Summer Olympics in Athens, Greece. We saw my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers win 2 Superbowls together and saw the election of the first African-American President. We have so many great memories together but you are just too big.
TV: “That’s what she said.”
Me: Seriously??? You are going to make jokes at a time like this? I am about to send you packing.
TV: “He…could… go…all…the… way!”
Me: Give me one good reason to keep you. Then I might let you stay.
TV: “Because I am good enough, smart enough and doggone it-people like me.”
Me: You are a tv…you are not smart.
TV: “Gee Mrs. Cleaver.” “I’m not a doctor but I play one on TV.”
Me: Maybe I should just do without a tv. I spend way too much time watching you and getting very little done. By now I could have written 3 books with all the time I have wasted watching you. I can feel my brain cells dying as I am speaking to you.
TV: “Oh my God! I killed Kenny!”
Me: Ok, that’s it. I am putting up an ad on Craigslist today. You can go live with another family.
TV: “Is that your final answer?”
Me: Ahhhhh! Yes, that is my final answer.
TV: “Live long and prosper.”
Me: Back at ya.
Power button off…fade to black.
TV quote sources:
“That’s what she said.” The Office
“He could go all the way” Chris Berman ESPN
“Because I am good enough, smart enough and doggone it-people like me.” Stuart Smally Saturday Night Live
“Gee Mrs. Cleaver” Leave it to Beaver
“I am not a doctor, but I play one on TV” Vicks Formula 44 commercial
“Oh my God I killed Kenny” South Park
“Is that your final answer?” Regis Philbin Who Wants to be a Millionaire
“Live Long and Prosper” Star Trek
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Last week was a disaster. Let's hope I can get it together this week.
First pick will have to be Mark Sanchez. When I saw this picture I nearly fell out of my chair. The ladies love the curls and abs. Yes Mark, I will have your baby. Sanchez over big forehead Manning by 3.
We move on to the NFC Championship game. Boy this was a tough one. But Drew Brees is killing me with his messed up comb over. Drew, just shave your head already! Gotta take the older, wiser, more mature Favre in this matchup. Vikings by 7.
Tune in next week when I pick the Superbowl winner! Gotta take a cold shower now.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
This ladies and gentlemen is apparently the man that picks the halftime entertainment at the Superbowl.
I don't believe I have been happy about any of the choices since Prince. Seriously, is The Who the best we can do??? I am tired of all these old farts trying to entertain at halftime. Bruce Springsteen, Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones and now the The Who.
Why can't we get the entertainers at least from this decade? What about Beyonce? Pink? The Black Eyed Peas? At this point I would even welcome an all Idol winners halftime...yes even Taylor Hicks.
NFL...please put someone else in charge of this! If not I will have to start shutting down the TV at halftime and sing songs from the "Glee" soundtrack for my guests.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Well I didn't do so bad last week...3 out 4 is not bad at all. Now we move to round 2.
Flacco vs Manning. This one was easy...Flacco. There is just something about Peyton's shiny huge forehead that freaks me out. Baltimore by 3.
Phillip Rivers vs Mark Sanchez. Ok, I have to confess...I have had a crush on Phillip Rivers for quite some time. I like his fiery personality...the competitor in him, along with that cute slight Southern accent he has. Mark Sanchez is hot, but he knows it. San Diego by a TD.
Kurt Warner vs Drew Brees. How do I put this nicely?? With the bad combover he is rocking lately and the birth mark that probably should have been removed long ago...Drew Brees is an acquired taste to say the least. Kurt is a handsome devil. Arizona by 4.
Now we come to pick that will make me many enemies. Romo vs Favre. I am sorry but I have to go with the dimples. Let us all pray the old man pulls one off. Cowboys by 3.
There you have it...tune in next week for round 3.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Lane Kiffin has wrecked my football team and is now leaving to go take Pete Carroll's vacated job at USC. I hope he ruins their football team as well.
I am curious as to who Tennessee will bring in next to coach. They really got screwed in this deal for sure. The search begins...
Monday, January 11, 2010
We all knew it. His head was three times the size it was when he first started playing in the 80's. His thighs were the size of tree trunks. But we didn't want to believe it was true. So we believed all the home run records he broke...we believed his swing was just that incredible. Today we got the let down.
Mr. McGwire, you owe me. You owe me for all the newspapers I bought in 98 when you broke Maris' record. You owe me for limited edition coin. For the autographed 8x10 of you and Sammy. You owe me lots of time...time I spent watching your games. For the rookie cards stashed away, an investment wasted.
To watch you on tv now crying and talking about all the pressure of performing. How you were hurt and couldn't play like you should. Give me a break. If you can't play, then retire. I do not feel sorry for you. When you were asked in Congress about steriod use, you dodged the question. I suppose that is better than lying in your eyes. But your whole career is a lie now. It is tarnished. If I had a vote, it would be a "No" vote for the Hall of Fame.
It is a scary day when you realize Jose Canseco might actually be the most honest player in baseball.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Thought it might be fun this year to make my playoff picks based on who has the hottest QB. Yea, that's right...act like a real girl that knows absolutely nothing about football. Let's see if there is any merit to this.
Start right away with the hottest...Mark Sanchez. It is not fair that a guy looks like this and can throw a football. Jets beat the Bengals in a close game.
Next up would be Tom Brady. Yes, I hate him but you have to admit he is good looking ok??? Patriots over the Ravens in a blowout.
Moving to the NFC we will start with the guy that has the best dimples in the world...Tony Romo. He loses a few points for dating Jessica Simpson but I will let that slide and still go with Tony over Donovan McNabb. Cowboys by 3.
Last but certainly not least...Mr. Kurt Warner. I have had a crush on him ever since I saw him on the field in the pre-season game for the Rams when Trent Green was injured. Pocket presence does it for me every time. Arizona by 7.
Well that does it for this week...let's see how this pans out. Tune in next week for more lust driven playoff picks.
The Kansas City Chiefs have hired Charlie Weis to be their offensive coordinator according to ESPN.
I hate this. The Chiefs are becoming the New England Patriots Part II. This team is right in my own back yard and even though I am Steelers fan I occasionally root for the Chiefs because I feel bad for them. Now I will hate the Chiefs just as much as the Patriots. What's next?? Teddy Bruschi gonna suit up and make another go of it?? Please stab me now.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
According to ESPN, the Washington Redskins have signed Mike Shanahan to a 5 year deal to coach the team.
Zorn wasn't the answer for sure but I am not feeling good about Shanny taking this job either. The Broncos had a great team 2 years in a row and he got lucky because he hasn't done much since. I think Dan Snyder might have made yet another bad decision. Surely he can do a little better than Zorn has been doing though.
Watch out D.C. Here comes Shanny and his tanning bed.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Well those football picks paid off a little bit. I gained one game on Sue so we tied and split the money for the end of the season pool, plus I got the highest amount right for this week so I came into a little more money.
Man I am going to miss football season. Where will the extra money come from??
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I run an office pool every year and last year I won the year end pot. In order for folks to know I don't cheat, I generally make a copy of my picks to leave with someone at work on Friday. Well this year, I am in it again. Sue has the lead by one game...Bob is 2 games behind me. It will be a close one. Here are my picks this week. I have my toes and fingers crossed I can pull this off and win it again.
Buffalo-Indy obviously doesn't care if they win again until the playoffs start.
Carolina-Why didn't they start Moore and Stewart all year?
Cleveland- Don't think Jacksonville will like playing in the cold.
Dallas- This one drove me nuts. They both need it. I will take the home team.
Chicago- If Cutler can't beat Detroit he might as well hang it up.
Houston- Thinking New England will just lay down and Houston needs to win.
Pittsburgh- Gotta have this one boys.
Minn- think they will play hard today and get a win in a very close game.
NY Jets- They must win and Cinci is going to take it easy.
San Fran- Me and some high school boys could beat the Rams.
Atlanta- Should get this one without any problems.
Arizona- Another tough one for me. I think Arizona will pull it off in a close one.
Denver- I hope the Chiefs will go out with a bang and win this one but Denver should get the victory.
Baltimore- I am praying they lose but Oakland would have to put Kenny "The Snake" Stabler back on the field in order to do that.
San Diego- I think their backups could beat Washington's starters.
Tenn- Have I mentioned I love Vince Young???
If we tie and it comes down to points I have 45 pts for the Tenn/Seattle game. Their picks are sealed in envelopes at work that will not be opened until tomorrow.
May the force be with me.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
After 532 days of waiting...I finally got this puppy back in the mail. How exciting! I hate the Cowboys so much but adore Tony Romo and those dimples.
The envelope was postmarked from Wisconsin so I am thinking Tony took some home to sign at Christmas or his dad might have signed this photo for me. Let's hope it was Tony.