Saturday, March 14, 2009

Interview With a Hockey Player


Ok, so he doesn't play hockey anymore...what do you want from me? It has been a very slow sports day.


This is my good buddy Jimmy and back in the day he was a huge up and coming hockey player in Canada. I sat down with Jimmy yesterday to re-live the good old days and find out what is was like to be considered a super star in a sport that I just don't understand.


What positions did you play when you played hockey?

Well when I wasn’t re-filling the water bottles and folding the towels…no no..actually I was always on the first line with my good buddy, he should have been my brother because we started playing hockey together at such a young age. But I was a center, winger, and defense. I was too big of a pussy to stand in front of a 90 mile an hour slap shot so I never went between the pipes. But I always played goalie in road hockey, less running the better for this fat boy.

How old were you when you learned to ice skate?

Being that I was born in Toronto Canada which is the hockey MECCA of the world. Any time a woman gives birth they give you a pair of ice skates as you leave the hospital, so I was skating right when I exited the womb. I actually started skating when I was two. They were these pimpin’ Velcro to my shoe double bladed skates that my dad rented for me at the famous Port Credit Hockey Arena back in 79’. I started playing officially when I was 4.

Did you get lots of chicks for being an awesome hockey player?

Sadly no, I didn’t, I was visually challenged as a teen, I was completely awkward around girls, I couldn’t even talk to them, but thank god my braces came off and I FINALLY grew at 15-16 than I started scoring babes left and right. It was the best 10-15 seconds of their LIVES. I know they saw god because they said oh my god that’s it???? I was like damn right baby, but if you want to ride the wild JIMBO he has lots of reserves in the tank. My best year for scoring non-skanky chicks was when I was 17 playing high school in the states and I was a super stud player by then and I was being recruited by Notre Dame, Michigan, Mich-State, etc…I was scoring tons of chicks. Two to three different girls a night sometimes. There were always after game parties at my buddies’ house. His name was Jared, and he only let the best looking, dumb blonde broads in and they all wanted a crack at Jimbo ahhhhhh yah!!! Jared’s parents room, garage, bathroom, little bro’s room were targets of many fun filled nights.

Best moment in your hockey career…

It would have to be two. I scored the game winner in OT to win the championship in 95 and scored the winning goal in regulation to win a hockey tourney in Meaford, ON in 94. I got so laid after those games. I still have the bruises and bite marks to prove it.

What number did you wear?

It would be different most years just because I was always switching teams upping the competition because I was a good player but I would always try for 14, 7, 4 (after the greatest player ever not named Gretzky Bobby Orr) and 17 after the greatest Toronto Maple Leaf player ever Wendell Clark!!!

Hardest thing about playing hockey…

I was such a short shit it sucked getting the piss beat out of me every night. I used to fight all the time so my teammates didn’t think I was a pussy and I used to get the crap beat out of me but once I FINALLY grew I was finally able to give out some of the beatings I took. Also it was taking the injections just to play, getting your teeth knocked out. One game a puck was tipped in front of the net and knocked my bottom teeth out and I finished the game with some numbing gel over the nerve and teeth fragments left in my mouth.

Which pro player could you outscore today?

Everyone of them except Sidney Crosby and Ovechkin. But give me 3 months to get in shape and I will be taking them down as well. Holla at yo boy.

Do you still have a 6 pack and if yes, can I see it???

I did at one time and I still have the pics to prove it, but nowadays my six pack better resembles a six pack of Bud.

Celebrity crush?
Oh GOD!!! I am a total horn dog. I would take Gina Carano, Alyssa Milano, Brittany Snow, Vanessa Minnillo, Megan Fox, Julianne Hough, Carrie Underwood, and Kellie Pickler.

Favorite song to get you pumped for a game?

Thunderstruck by AC/DC, Grace too by The Tragically Hip or anything by Metallica.


Join me next week to learn what happened to this young man's hockey career.

3 comments:

3rdStoneFromTheSun said...

good stuff

tbone said...

Did you bitch at him about his taste in women like you do me?

Chanin Bissinger said...

No, he has good taste in women.