Friday, December 5, 2008

Please Welcome Guest Blogger: Chris Freas

I know this is not really sports related but my buddy wanted to share his terrible day with everyone. Chris...take er' away!

Not once, butt twice. While running errands on my lunch break toady, dodging all the holiday shoppers that just MUST get to the store before the last Tickle me fricking Elmo is gone, and doing my due diligence to obey the local traffic laws, I suddenly felt the urge to sneeze. Now I’ve learned in my 40 plus years to cover my face when sneezing or there will be a snot filled mess. So I did what I normally do, let go of the steering wheel to cover my face with both hands and prepared to contain the mess to my hands so I can later wipe them on my socks…or whatever else is around at the time. Receipts, hats, blankets, hand tools all have been used to assist me in cleaning up one of my sneezes. In the midst of the covering of my face and steering with my knees, to remain complaint with traffic laws, I let loose a very healthy sneeze. The problem was that while letting loose the sneeze, my butt hole decided that it wasn’t receiving enough attention and decided to let loose a little mess of its own. So there I sit, driving down the road with two hands full of snot, a pants full of…um….poo, all the while still steering the truck with my knees. I eventually found one of the kids art projects in the passenger seat to wipe off the sneeze goo and started my greasy 10 minute drive home. Upon arriving home I very carefully headed up the stairs to handle my little issue all the while my black lab is following my around with his nose on my rear like I was some sort of animal. The nerve.
I made it home, took a shower, burned the underwear and kicked the dog for sniffing my ass and headed back to work for the rest of my afternoon. While on a conference call, I felt another sneeze coming on. Butt this time I was prepared. Phone on mute? Check! Both hands cupped properly over my face? Check! Leaned back in my chair? Check? Legs completely straightened out and butt cheeks in ready position? Check and check!! Please keep in mind that I am on a conference call with 3 VP’s of the company, a few higher ups from our customer and a call that I am heavily involved in. Upon my sneeze my rear decided it wasn’t happy letting out a little “frustration” last time so it decided to open the gates of hell for the second time today. Fortunately I was prepared, I was able to contain the spillage with my buns of steel. However there was still a bit of a mess, the conference call was not even close to being over and there I sit. A greasy, smelly nasty butted guy, fully leaning back in my chair, legs stretched out to the max and butt still clinched. There I sat for the next 30 minutes of my call, talking as if my butt was sparkly fresh. Once the call ended I did the penguin walk to the restroom to discover that indeed my butt cheeks had contained the spill. Thank goodness as I can’t afford to keep throwing my underwear in trash cans at random spots That was my day today, December 4, 2008.

I would like to send a couple of thanks out.

1. Thanks Mom for passing along your unique ability to randomly crap your pants at the least opportune time.
2. I’d also like to thank my Mom for passing on her buns of steel.
3. My lovely wife….thanks for cooking last night. I needed a good colon cleaning. Don’t worry about supper tonight…Daddy’s bringing take out home.


Mind of MadMan said...

That is nice... now for all reading this is why I stifle my sneezes!!!

Mind of MadMan said...


The BEEZE said...

Wow! I hate to say this, but I know what that feels...I've had those days.

Very funny post.